I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
