I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
