I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
