i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
