Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
