He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
