please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
