Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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