Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
