You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
