I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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