Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
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This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
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I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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