Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
