Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
