I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
