I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
