on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
