I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
