She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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