If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
