**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
i believe in u and ur pee
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
