ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
