I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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