you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
