she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
