Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
