my phone needs a breathalizer
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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