This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
