Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
