Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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