Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
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