I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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