Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
