I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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