pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
