i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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