Need sex. Gaining weight.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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