He asked to "fluff my boner.."
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
