She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
