This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
