I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
