i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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