Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
