just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
