I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
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