My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
