My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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