So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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