Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
