My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
