if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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