I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
