We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
