last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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