the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
