so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
