I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
