I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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