I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
